10 things you always wanted to know about the life of an American women married to a Muslim man, but were afraid to ask.....

It was inevitable. After the Boston marathon bombings I was going to be asked a lot of questions. Most Americans are afraid of being "politically incorrect"  so they veil their curiosity by indirect reference to the latest story of a Muslim women being stoned to death, or an unstable Muslim man controlling his wife's every action.

I recognize the signs now. After every newsworthy story of a Muslim committing some type of violence certain people in my life have to go out of their way to ask me how I feel about it. In addition, they make sure they point out every nuance of every story they've heard that paints Muslims in an unattractive light and then conclude by saying: isn't that horrible?"

So, for once--and only once-- I'm going to answer these spoken and unspoken questions:

1). No, my husband does not control me. He does not tell me what to eat, how to pray, where to go, what to do nor who to see. No one could ever control me because I have been a free and independant spirit my entire life. I have never followed the herd mentality and never will. It's my nature. I would earnestly  kick any man--or women for that matter-- forcefully to the curb if he/she did try to control me.

2). No, my husband isn't violence, quick to anger nor has he ever hit or harmed me in anyway. My husband is a gentle soul and treats everyone, including animals with dignity and respect. I would never associate with anyone who is mean or violent. I abhor any form of violence, whether passive or active. I would never stay with a man who did hurt me or anyone I know.

3). No, my husband has never tried to convert me to Islam. Yes, he encouraged me to read the Qur'an and I did. I consider it a beautiful religious text.  I don't see anything misogynistic in it. Like any religious text you need to understand it in the context of the time period it was written in. Times and situations have changed. As far as converting to Islam: I never will, nor will I convert to any monotheistic religion. Although I have respect for these religions--and all others--I cannot follow them for ideological reasons too numerous to list here. The best way to describe my spirituality is to characterize it as Agnostic Pagan. In Forrest Gump's immortal words: that's all I'm saying about that....

4). Yes--I do not serve my husband pork. Why? Because I respect him, his religion and his wishes. If we do go out to eat I occasionally order pork and my husband doesn't mind. No, I don't miss it, well. except for the occasional roast pork. I love pork roast with apple sauce, mashed potatoes and gravy. So- if you are ever making the aforemntioned meal--please consider inviting me to dinner!

5). Yes, I am a Pagan and a feminist and no--my husband isn't threatened by this fact.I'm not going to blow sunshine up your butt and say we agree about everything; that would be untrue and unrealistic. Occasionally we do disagree on certain key issues but we are mature adults and get over it.

6). No, my husband isn't Arab. He is from India and is Southeast Asian. Cursiously, he doesn't self-identify as such. I get the impression that self-identifying as a particular race is predominately an American obsession. We adore our labels and are compelled to label everything as "such and such." Not that other world citizens don't label other people, but they don't seem to be compelled in quite the same fervor as Americans.

7). Yes, my husband is dismayed and angry at any terrorist action whether committed by a Muslim or not. My husband abhors violence of any kind--well, except the Hollywood version of violence. Like most American males he loves action movies--and if there isn't at least one gratuitous car explosion its not worth watching.

However, after living in the Middle East for a significant time in his younger years he understands the frustration many Middle Eastern people feel over the policies of America--and the West in general--that have impacted their lives in a negative way. Most Middle Easterners do not hate Americans but oftentimes they do not agree with American foreign policy. Additionally, there is a small but dangerous minority of Middle Easterners who do hate Americans and  want to inflict harm. This is the reality and has been, in part, facilitated by the actions of Western leaders. Fact. Period. If you don't understand this concept I suggest you look into the policies and history of Western actions in the region. This has a long history but for a modern understanding  I'd recommend starting by researching the European partitioning of the Ottoman Empire in the early 1900's.

8). Yes, despite growing up in different areas of the world we have many things in common. a few of these include; the same taste in music, similar ethical and moral values, introverted nature, a fondness for peace and serenity, distaste for gossip, pettiness and superficiality, a love of travel, fondness for ethnic cuisines, etc.

9). No, the women in my husband's family are not compelled to wear the hijab or the burqa. My husband's family is from India so they do not prescribe to the (largely) regional dictate of wearing these forms of coverings. As an aside: some of my husband's family is Christian, not Muslim. Yeah, I know it gets complicated. It's a multi-cultural world after all!

10). Yes, I am extremely proud and honored to be married to a wonderful man who happens to be Muslim. I understand that his Muslim upbringing has contributed in significant ways to the man I know and love today. I wouldn't have it any other way. And that's all I have to say about that...

Flinging dirt

Tragedy can either bring out the best of people or the worst. When all the dirt shakes loose it naturally distributes a bit of both. I’ve seen a lot of  dirt in the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombing. Years from now, when looking back at the tragedy I’m not sure whether the dirt left behind will nourish hope and understanding or whether it sullies the  nation’s  collective heart with fear, divisiveness and retributive zeal.

Some of the “dirt” I’m referring to is the intensity of the Islamophobia fervor I’ve witnessed recently. Reports of Muslims being singled out for angry rants and even physical violence have become commonplace. Apparently some citizens invoke the “guilty by association” paradigm, particularly when it applies to members of the “other” group(s) of people. The “other” referring to anyone who does not fall within the individual’s self identified group. In this particular case I am referring to the dominant group in America: White male Christians.

In  all fairness, any marginalized group in America can readily invoke the spirit of Islamophobia. All it takes is the willingness to participate in reductionism: : “a procedure or theory that reduces complex data and phenomena to simple terms.”(from: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reductionism)

An illustration of reductionism can be found in the words of Fox News guest commentator Erik Rush; who-- before any official reports came out stating the bombers were Muslim, made the following rant  on Twitter ““Yes, they’re evil. (Muslims)  Let’s kill them all.”

According to Rush, and many individuals like him, all Muslims are evil because a small minority have done terrible things. This is the antithesis of rational thought because it discounts the majority of the world’s Muslim population that live peacefully. It also denies the reality that people of other religions; including Christianity, have committed violence. I trust that I don’t have to provide a  list of  historical atrocities perpetrated by Christians around the world to drive that point home.

What is significant here is not the particular words used. One can find similar words on the lips of various  people who  fear Muslims and blame them collectively for the Marathon bombings and other acts of terrorism. What I am addressing here is the fact that Rush mouthed the sentiments and is—himself--, an African American and member of a population that has historically been subjugated, stereotyped and scapegoated  in America.

Let’s not just spotlight African Americans because similar views prosper in many minority groups across the nation. I have heard disparaging comments about Muslims in various immigration reform groups on the internet. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard words such as “Why do immigrants get punished due to the actions of Muslims” or “Why can’t the government deport all the Muslims and leave the rest of the immigrant community alone. After all, we didn’t bomb anybody.” 

This divisiveness punishes us all who fight for immigration reform. If one individual from an “other” group does something bad then it taints us all because White Male America makes no distinctions. White Male America loves it when one minority group points the finger and blames the “other” because this divisiveness ensures that they remain in control.

If those of us who support immigration reform want to make any significant improvements in the lives of immigrants and their families we need to stop pointing the finger at each other. Collectively we are in the majority and White Male America knows this. They love the finger pointing. They even encourage it.

We are all interconnected. No amount of “dirt” flung at us will change that. We can choose to pick up the dirt flung at us and throw it at someone else or we can take that dirt and use it to nourish something beautiful. Let us choose wisely.

Shipping up to Boston...

Today my thoughts should be with all the people who are suffering due to the horrible tragedy in Boston yesterday. Truth be told, I am thinking of them with a pained heart. But my thoughts are predominately with another group of people; those that are suffering in silence, those whose anxiety and  fear will never be acknowledged in the Western media nor in the chatter of coworkers gathered around water coolers in corporations across the country. Bear with me because I will return to this thought in a moment.

I understand now, that despite my education and research into white American privilege I still do not fully comprehend it. This became obvious to me yesterday after a conversation I had with my husband late in the evening. We were discussing the events in Boston. One statement caused me discomfort.

He said: “Well, one thing is for sure, our trip to Boston will be cancelled this summer.”

Me—the independent, recklessly defiant white American jumped to a wrong conclusion. I assumed he was fearful of going to Boston due to the potential of another terrorist attack from the “other”. I was soon to be proven wrong.

I replied in the usual white drivel--the propaganda pandered to gullible Americans by the Western media : “Hon, if we give in to the terrorists then they have won. We can’t let our plans go awry because some deranged individual wants us to be petrified all the time.”

“That’s not why I want to cancel our trip to Boston. “

“Then why?” I asked.

“Because I’m afraid that someone will want to hurt me in retribution for the attacks in Boston.”

Long prolonged pause………..Wow! Shit just got real.

I was speechless. For just one terrible moment I understood, however briefly, what it felt to be a dark-skinned Muslim immigrant in a country that routinely blames every act of terrorism, tragedy or aggression on “my people.” I understood that to Americans, my husband was --and always will be “the other”. And-- not just “the other” but “a dangerous other.”

It doesn’t matter that my husband is neither Arab nor of Middle-Eastern descent. It only matters that he is different; he is “other” and therefore responsible for the vicious attacks. It only matters that he has a Muslim name.

So yes, I am thinking about all the people who were hurt and affected by the terrible events in Boston. But I’m also thinking about all the victims-to-be: all the Muslim mothers who are holding their children tighter today; all the Muslim immigrants crowding around the TV watching the news praying feverishly that the person who did this is not Muslim; and all the future victims of intensified scrutiny and hate crimes.

I am profoundly sad and ashamed for so many reasons that cannot be articulated. I am so sorry that I did not understand.