Not giving a fuck

I'm apologizing up front for the foul language. Perhaps I really shouldn't do that because it will defeat the purpose of this post. Which is, ironically, unclear to me at the present moment. I will trust myself to make some semblance of sense when this post is completed. Please stay tuned...

Recently-- in fact-- just a few minutes ago I came across a wonderful old blog post of a photographer named Brandon Stanton. His blog is called "Humans of New York" and he randomly wanders the streets of New York looking for interesting humans to photograph (well, not just New York because this particular blog post was referring to a trip to Chicago).

One night he came across a big, flamboyant and beautiful drag queen named Cyon Flame. Part of Cyon's appeal was his apparent fearlessness. Here was a large black man-- wearing an elaborately bejeweled,feathered and sequined scarlet headdress, matching corset and glittering high heeled platform boots-- languidly and confidently strolling down the middle of a busy Chicago street.

The photographer, a confessed heterosexual man, expressed his respect for gay people in the following passage taken from his blog:

"...at some point in his or her life, every gay person has to look society straight in the eye and say: “I’m gay, and I really don’t give a fuck what you think.” And that isn’t an easy thing to do. If everyone had that kind of courage, there’d be a lot less frowning faces on the subway. There’d probably be more people dancing on floats, half-naked, covered in metallic body paint, and waving peacock feathers in the air. Because you can’t really be free until you don’t give a fuck. And not giving a fuck is just about the hardest thing there is to do. And every gay person has to do it. And I respect the hell out of that. Always have."

The phrase that really knocked me the side of the head is "you can't really be free until you don't give a fuck."

Stop for a moment and think about it for a moment. It's absolutely true. Pure freedom relies on the individual's ability to be authentically themselves, regardless of the opinions or negative reactions of others. And the sad fact remains that authentic people often make other people uncomfortable.

of course, I got thinking about my own life and particularly the immigration issues my husband and I have been dealing with. When you are facing--however remotely-- the prospect of being separated from your loved one just about any subject can refer back to immigration: even a blog post about a drag queen who doesn't give a fuck!

It occurs to me that despite everything my husband and I have been through; despite being as honest about our situation as possible; and despite believing that I really don't care what other people think-- I still do--and far too often. Consequently I fear that I have not given my best effort in fighting against anti-immigration sentiment in this country. Certainly, there have been brief peaks from behind the closet door of self-induced yet culturally sanction shame. I've done a few speeches, written a monologue, sporadically manged a blog about immigration, etc. But there is so much more I could do--if only I could stop caring what people thought. If only I could manage the derogatory remarks of people who prefer to wallow in their ignorance rather than cultivating empathy.

Part of the problem is anger. I still have not let go of my anger. As a result, every time someone says something negative or ignorant about immigrants my eyes bulge out of my sockets, my head spins around, smoke comes out of my ears and my face turns purple. This is not attractive nor constructive. What I need to do is cultivate love, even in the face of irrational hate.

Actually, what I need to do is balance both love and the ability to be true to myself and my convictions.(aka "not giving a fuck!")

Now I feel is the perfect time to do that. I am ready to let go of my anger, embrace love and fight for what I believe in. On the horizon I see opportunities presenting themselves.In the immortal words of J.K. Rowling "It's gonna be a bumpy ride."