Shipping up to Boston...

Today my thoughts should be with all the people who are suffering due to the horrible tragedy in Boston yesterday. Truth be told, I am thinking of them with a pained heart. But my thoughts are predominately with another group of people; those that are suffering in silence, those whose anxiety and  fear will never be acknowledged in the Western media nor in the chatter of coworkers gathered around water coolers in corporations across the country. Bear with me because I will return to this thought in a moment.

I understand now, that despite my education and research into white American privilege I still do not fully comprehend it. This became obvious to me yesterday after a conversation I had with my husband late in the evening. We were discussing the events in Boston. One statement caused me discomfort.

He said: “Well, one thing is for sure, our trip to Boston will be cancelled this summer.”

Me—the independent, recklessly defiant white American jumped to a wrong conclusion. I assumed he was fearful of going to Boston due to the potential of another terrorist attack from the “other”. I was soon to be proven wrong.

I replied in the usual white drivel--the propaganda pandered to gullible Americans by the Western media : “Hon, if we give in to the terrorists then they have won. We can’t let our plans go awry because some deranged individual wants us to be petrified all the time.”

“That’s not why I want to cancel our trip to Boston. “

“Then why?” I asked.

“Because I’m afraid that someone will want to hurt me in retribution for the attacks in Boston.”

Long prolonged pause………..Wow! Shit just got real.

I was speechless. For just one terrible moment I understood, however briefly, what it felt to be a dark-skinned Muslim immigrant in a country that routinely blames every act of terrorism, tragedy or aggression on “my people.” I understood that to Americans, my husband was --and always will be “the other”. And-- not just “the other” but “a dangerous other.”

It doesn’t matter that my husband is neither Arab nor of Middle-Eastern descent. It only matters that he is different; he is “other” and therefore responsible for the vicious attacks. It only matters that he has a Muslim name.

So yes, I am thinking about all the people who were hurt and affected by the terrible events in Boston. But I’m also thinking about all the victims-to-be: all the Muslim mothers who are holding their children tighter today; all the Muslim immigrants crowding around the TV watching the news praying feverishly that the person who did this is not Muslim; and all the future victims of intensified scrutiny and hate crimes.

I am profoundly sad and ashamed for so many reasons that cannot be articulated. I am so sorry that I did not understand.