Melancoly Monday

There are nights when I go to bed, that I wish I wouldn’t wake up. It’s a rare event, but still happens when my optimism is running low. These feelings scare the heck out of me...and they make me fear that I am not handling this situation as well as I hoped.

But, maybe I’m not that unusual. I witnessed a casual conversation between two co-workers today who expressed similar feelings after relating some difficulties in their lives. Life is full of problems and pitfalls—especially in these transformative and uncertain times. Sometimes the burdens seem too great—even for people who seem to have it all together.

Anyways, last night was one of those nights I wish I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. Nothing in particular was responsible for my sad mood. I just started to obsess about losing Khalid. I was exceptionally tired —perhaps that was enough to unleash the melancholy.

Even though I try to hide my melancholy moods from Khalid he always senses when something is wrong. We went to bed at our normal time, turned off the lights and chatted for a few minutes. I fell silent after awhile. He pulled me into his arms and asked if anything was wrong. I said no—but I lied. I felt bad about lying to him--especially since I know he sees through my disguise.

Even if I wanted to explain, or had the words to express myself I knew I couldn’t. There was no way I could add to his already substantial burden. How can I tell him my fears and doubt when he is holding tightly to the last hope we have? How can I speak about my weaknesses when he is so full of strength and life? He will be the one forced to leave and go to a strange land he hasn’t seen since he was a small boy. I get to stay behind in familiar surroundings—but without him.

It’s hard to explain these complex feelings. Khalid is the only rock solid relationship I’ve ever had. He understands me and puts up with my moods. He has given me the strength to do so many things that I didn’t think I was capable of. Because of his support I was able to go back to college and learn how to write from my heart--regardless of what anyone else thought.

Without him, I would not be in the place I am now—which despite the immigration fiasco —is still the best place I’ve ever been. The fact is--despite all my faults Khalid is still there to comfort and love me—as I am. With Khalid there are no ulterior motives, no manipulation: he never expects anything more from me other than my love and acceptance. I’ve never experienced that before in my life.


This self-pity is pure selfishness...I know. There are still plenty of things to look forward to. There are college courses, creating more paintings, sharing laughs with friends, having a successful business,writing endless papers and more blog entries to create. There are movies to see, birthday parties to attend and trips to take. In particular, there’s the hope of a day when Khalid will have his green card and have the opportunity to participate fully and freely in American society. Like a small child awaiting Christmas-- I wait impatiently for that day.


These are all hopeful prospects and I am blessed to have them. But what fills me with the most dread is the possibility that Khalid and I will never be reunited. There will be no more movies, no more birthday parties and no more trips—taken with him. If that fear should ever become a reality, on that night when I go to bed; I will not want to wake up the next morning.